Friday, April 16, 2010

Crossover with "The Cosby Show"

Dr. Heathcliff MacDuxtable entered his stately brownstone to a gaggle of rambunctious children.

"Claire!", he shouted to his wife, Lady Claire MacDuxtable, who was pregnant with their sixth child, which they intended to call Raven Symone MacDuxtable.

"Yes, Cliff?", Lady MacDuxtable asked, entering the Living Room.

"Why are the CHILDREN running about in a rambunctious manner? We're about to have an unannounced and implausible dinnertime visit from Maya Angelou!"

Claire thought about this. As she thought about this, Theo MacDuxtable exclaimed, "Jammin' on the one!" She shushed him.

Cliff continued. "Before Maya Angelou arrives, I would like to dance on this bookshelf to a classic jazz record and then partake of a delicious hoagie!"

Claire ran into the kitchen and then came back out sporting a strange white puck-like substance.

"Cliff, those hoagies are making you fat. I picked up this for you to snack on. Mrs. Danvers recommended it. It's a ricecake. It's got no fat, no sodium, and no preservatives."

Cliff MacDuxtable cautiously took a bite of the ricecake. He made a face.

"It has NO TASTE either!"

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Crossover with Jurassic Park


"Sorry I'm late. Bookshelf dance. What's the meeting about?", MacDuff asked as he entered the large ballroom. His fellow "Sleep No More" cast members were gathered in a circle, along with representatives from Punchdrunk and the A.R.T.

"We've had a great new idea to shake up the show", said the Punchdrunk representative. "Too many people on the Internet are talking about what happens and when. This should solve that."

The A.R.T. representative, who - it should be mentioned - is none other than Dr. Ian Malcolm, Jeff Goldblum's popular character from the "Jurassic Park" films, said "I think the measures you're talking about are too drastic."

Hecate raised her hand.

"Um, I don't mean to get off topic.... but the memo said there'd be Frusen Glädjé at this meeting."

The representatives glared at Hecate. Hecate looked down at the floor.

"Shutting up now."

The first Punchdrunk representative continued. "Live dinosaurs! That's what's going to shake up the show! Let's see these facebook losers give away the show's secrets when they're running for their lives from a velociraptor!"

Dr. Ian Malcolm raised his hand. "The dangers present to the audience and the characters if we bring live dinosaurs into the show are staggering, I don't care how many safeguards you have in place. It's just too enormous. Statistics show that nature cannot be contained."

"The decision is made, Dr. Malcolm! We've already taught the dinosaurs how to make out with each other in slow motion. We need to recoup that investment."


The Second Mrs. De Winter shut the door to Rebecca's room and locked it with a key. She approached the white-masked patron and slowly, gently, lifted the mask from his face.


"Roar!", said the giant thunder lizard.

The Second Mrs. De Winter screamed. She unlocked the door and ran down the hall. The T-Rex gave chase.

Meanwhile, in the Replica Bar, the witches, Hecate, and Macbeth were trying to get through the Second Consultation.

"These fucking terodactyl keep dive-bombing my head every time I try and get up on the table!", the goat-headed male witch said. "And the strobe lights are freaking them out."

The Bald Witch hid under the table, using the umbilical cord of the dead fetus she usually danced with to swat at the terodactyl.

"I'm outta here", said Macbeth. "I can kill Lady MacDuff without getting attacked by a prehistoric bird-like creature."

When Macbeth reached Lady MacDuff's room, however, he found she was already dead, as a fierce velociraptor stood knawing on her lifeless carcass, along with the lifeless carcasses of several white-masked "Sleep No More" audience members.

"He didn't even do that dance where he throws her into the crib", Macbeth thought. "This is all wrong. Stupid dinosaurs."


In the Speakeasy, Dr. Ian Malcolm and Lady Macbeth had barricaded the door with several boxes from the box maze.

"If only they had listened to me", said Dr. Ian Malcolm. "This catastrophe would have been averted. Lady Macbeth, if we can make it up one flight of stairs to Manderlay we may have a chance of surviving this!"

Lady Macbeth, who at this point had lost her mind with guilt, kept kicking the walls, shouting "Yet, here's a spot!"


The Second Mrs. De Winter was doing a decent job outrunning the T-Rex when she rounded a stairwell corner and ran straight into Mrs. Danvers, who had been rolling on the bannisters.

Mrs. Danvers saw the approaching beast and, in one swift movement, ninja-kicked the ladder hanging over the stairwell so that it fell onto the great lizard. Mrs. Danvers then looked at the stunned dinosaur, then looked at the Second Mrs. De Winter, then looked back at the dinosaur.

She held one finger in the air as if to signal she had had an epiphany.


Every time Hecate tried to shake her umbrellas to make the thunder come, the terodactyl would fly into her boudoir. She tried to pull out one of its hairs to cast a spell on it, but because it is a GIANT FLYING LIZARD it had no hairs in which to pull.

Around the time she was about to give up and spend the rest of the show in her locked room, Mrs. Danvers and the Second Mrs. Winter came running into her boudoir.

"Hecate!", shouted the Second Mrs. De Winter, "Mrs. Danvers has an idea, but she needs your Frusen Glädjé supply to make it work."

Hecate's eyes became tiny little slits as she spat out, "No. Fucking. Way."

Mrs. Danvers stone-cold karate kicked in the door to Hecate's locked room and ran in. "I don't know where she learned to do that either", said the Second Mrs. De Winter to a confused Hecate.


Malcolm and MacDuff hid under the banquet table.

"Is it safe?", asked a visibly frightened Malcolm to MacDuff.

"Not likely", whispered MacDuff. "One of those things killed your father after Lady Macbeth convinced it to, and most of the show patrons have either run away or been killed as well. When I get my hands on one of them I'm going to hang the shit out of it. Where's my noose at?"


The velociraptor, who was now the King of Scotland after killing Duncan, nuzzled his head into the comfortable pillows of Duncan's bed.

Macbeth emerged from under the bed and began to smother King Velociraptor, even as the velociraptor's talons tore at Macbeth's midsection.

Macbeth did not fear the dinosaur, because the witches had prophesized that no extinct prehistoric beast of woman born could harm Macbeth.


Mrs. Danvers entered the Speakeasy Bar with the Second Mrs. De Winter and Hecate. She had armloads of Frusen Glädjé ice cream.

Dr. Ian Malcolm looked at Mrs. Danvers, then looked at the Frusen Glädjé. He understood what Mrs. Danvers (who doesn't talk in this story, even though all the other characters, who are also silent during the play, do) was planning to do.

"It's so crazy it just might work!", he said.

Mrs. Danvers began to cut up her crazy herbs and whatnot into the Frusen Glädjé, as Lady Macbeth, in the background, tore her own nightgown off, wailing about spots.

"Now we just need some bait to lure all the dinosaurs in here.", said Dr. Ian Malcolm. Everyone looked at Lady Macbeth, who doing a handstand and shouting "Spots on the floor, too!"

Dr. Malcolm, Hecate, Mrs. Danvers, and the Second Mrs. De Winter hid behind the boxes as the dinosaurs entered the Speakeasy Bar. The T-Rex was first. He sniffed the Frusen Glädjé, and began to eat. Hecate whimpered.

Soon, all the dinosaurs, had eaten the Frusen Glädjé laced with Mrs. Danvers herbs.

"Now", said Dr. Ian Malcolm, "we should see some results."

The dinosaurs howled with anger and began to attack the "Sleep No More" visitors with even more ferocity than before. Lady Macbeth was midway through her sleepwalking scene when a terodactyl flew off with her head.

"Wait...", said Dr. Ian Malcolm, "These dinosaurs are even more violent and crazed than before! Was that your plan all along?!?!"

Mrs. Danvers clasped her hands together.

"Excellent", she said, and danced off down the hallway.


MacDuff had a new idea to find out how to defeat the dinosaurs. He'd secured a Super NES system and the "Jurassic Park" game.

"Is that period appropriate?", asked Malcolm.

MacDuff ignored him, and plugged it in. Nothing happened. The Bald Witch entered.

"Here", said the Bald Witch, who took the game cartridge and blew into it. "That should do it."

MacDuff put that cartridge back in.

"Thanks, Bald Witch!" He began to play the game.


"Well", said Malcolm in Manderlay some time later. "That game certainly showed you how to kill all the dinosaurs."

"If Bald Witch here hadn't blown on the cartridge, I never would have figured out how to get it going", MacDuff said, indicating the Bald Witch.

"You're too modest", Bald Witch said to MacDuff, "I may have gotten the cartridge working, but you're the one who did all the hard work of killing the dinosaurs."

A battered Dr. Ian Malcolm entered Manderlay. "We have to head back in before it's too late!", he screamed. "The taxidermist has more dinosaur eggs!"

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Crossover with Amanda Palmer's Twitter Feed

LadyFNMacbeth: Alright bitches next five people to PM me FULL NAME AND ADDRESS get on guestlist for SLEEP NO MOOOOOOOOORE

LadyFNMacbeth: @macbethhimself Dude Duncan has been pissing me off!!! You should totally kill him!!

LadyFNMacbeth: everybody get ready to do their HAPPY CRACK DANCE..... !!!!!!!

LadyFNMacbeth: NO I AM NOT MARRY MEL GIBSON. for fucks sake.

LadyFNMacbeth: I'll give you a hint. I'm not pregnant.

LadyFNMacbeth: No, @macbethhimself is also not pregnant. He's a boy.

LadyFNMacbeth: !RAHH!! I'M QUEEN OF SCOTLAND NOW i'll be posting up a blog, a letter to the people, and a SURPRISE for y'all in a few moments. stay tuned.

LadyFNMacbeth: I'll be livechatting later so WE CAN SUBVERT THE DOMINANT PARADIGM TOGETHER

LadyFNMacbeth: preparing for webcast. @MrsDanvers just brough MOAR WINE DAMMIT

LadyFNMacbeth: I keep seeing spots. MOAR WINE BITCHES

LadyFNMacbeth: Yet, here's a spot.

LadyFNMacbeth: @MrsDanvers Need you to do something w/r/t @LadyMacD. Keep on the DL.

LadyFNMacbeth: @macbethhimself Out, damn'd spot! out, I say!—One; two: why, then 'tis time to do't.—Hell is murky.

LadyFNMacbeth: Us Weekly is calling me worst dressed in Sleep No More for getting naked in room w bathtubs.

LadyFNMacbeth: Us Weekly snark just landed me an interview about regicide w the new york times tomorrow. life/lemonade!

LadyFNMacbeth: just finished ny times interview re: feminism, spots, choice,hair, guilt, the fuckin' paradigm. killed it. should apearr later this month in style section

LadyFNMacbeth: my favorite quote from the interview, and i hope they use it: "Come, you spirits that tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here, and fill me from the crown to the toe topful of direst cruelty!"

LadyFNMacbeth: I was totally just sleepwalking. Ooh, more spots.

LadyFNMacbeth: Doesn't anyone clean this castle? More spots.

LadyFNMacbeth: Gonna clean 'em myself. DIY MOTHERFUCKERSS

Crossover with N.W.A.

You are now about to witness the strength of street knowledge.

"What you are about to see", Stanley the elevator operator told N.W.A. as the elevator door slid open, "is a dream. But it's also a puzzle. Let's misbehave."

The group disembarked. Dr. Dre immediately remarked to everyone else that they should "take these fucking white masks off." A black-masked steward stepped forward to tell the group to put their white masks back on. Dre told the steward, "Some don't agree with how I do this. I get straight, meditate like a Buddhist." The steward shushed him.

"Fuck the stewards coming straight outta Brookline", responded MC Ren, "Ain't gonna wear this mask no matter how much you whine. The white mask feels wack on my face, I wanna pop a cap in the ass of every steward in the place."

"Ice Cube will swarm on any motherfucker in a black uniform!", continued Ice Cube. "Just 'cause I don't subscribe to the A.R.T., these punk-ass stewards wanna mess with me."

Lady Macbeth entered the hallway, muttering to herself and stopping whenever she fell beneath a spotlight. She grabbed Arabian Prince and whispered in his ear. Yella look nonplussed.

"I prefer a more traditional theatrical narrative. This is an interesting sensory experience, but I don't think a story is being told", said Yella. "I say we leave."

"What? You wanna leave? With all these females pulling on my sleeve? Yeah, I bet you can jet, homeboy - no sweat", said Arabian Prince.

"Wait!", said Dr. Dre, "Where's Eazy?"

In the Replica Bar, Eazy-E had taken the stage following the Male Witch's Peggy Lee performance.

"All you witches!" Eazy shouted, "You know I'm talking to you!"

"We wanna corrupt you, Eazy!", they shouted back.

"I wanna corrupt you, too!"

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Crossover with Popular Myths about the first Thanksgiving

After traveling over from England, the first settlers of the Old Lincoln School soon set up quarters on the second and third floor. Life was hard for the settlers - the Macbeths' room had too many dressers, King Duncan had to shave with a straight razor, and the MacDuffs had to subsist on nothing but one banquet which always seemed to be forever uneaten. Still, they had much to be thankful for.

It was Mrs. Danvers who suggested they gather together their bounty to give thanks. Duncan did some planting and gardening, the MacDuffs gathered all the rotting meat they thought they could spare, and - at Lady Macbeth's insistence - Mrs. Danvers brewed up a big portion of poisoned Cawdor Seed milk stuff.

"Truly", said King Duncan, "We have much to be thankful for. This great bounty should be shared by all."

It was also Mrs. Danvers who suggested inviting the Old Lincoln School's native population, Hecate and the witches. There had been some issues with them since the settlers first arrived, and the noise from their naked strobe-light raves often kept the settlers awake. "I used to like the Jokers of the Scene remix of H Muet before we moved here, but if I have to hear it again I'm totally going to kill someone", Macbeth was often heard to remark.

"It's the neighborly thing to do", Mrs. Danvers said about inviting Hecate and the witches. "If we're going to get along in this school, we should try and open a dialogue. Make the first peace offering."

To the surprise of many, Hecate and witches accepted. Though their dress and manner was strange, Hecate and the witches soon entered the main banquet hall, bringing with them some food items of their own.

"Look at that", said Lady Macbeth, "They've brought corn and ice cream!"

"You may call it corn", said the bald witch, "but we call it maize."

"And you may call this ice cream", said Hecate, "but we call it Frusen Glädjé."

Soon they all sat around the table. Duncan stood up, a bell rang, and everyone started cold making out in slow motion.

"This is so great", said Lady MacDuff, "We should do this three times a night. At set intervals."

A noise was heard to the left, and the assembled celebrants all gasped in horror as they saw what approached.

"I brought pie", said Banquo's ghost.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Crossover with the lambada

A Thane of Cawdor by day, Macbeth journeys at night to a Replica Bar at the bottom of the Old Lincoln School, where a group of witches gather to dance the lambada.

Using his dazzling dance moves to earn the witches' respect and acceptance, Macbeth then shows them how to make haggis in an informal backroom one-on-one. The witches' leader, Hecate, sees him in Cawdor. The next morning at Dunsinane while Macbeth is doing whatever the hell it is Thanes do, Hecate daydreams that Macbeth kills Duncan to become king, where he will then decree the lambada the official dance of Scotland.

But then Hecate thinks it will be even more fun to cause Macbeth's undoing, so she sets in motion events which lead to exposure of Macbeth's, his two worlds collide, MacDuff hangs him, there's a big ballroom dance to a Glenn Miller song, the Second Mrs. De Winter tells someone a story in a locked room, there's some business with Lady MacDuff and milk, etc.

The new king, Malcolm, bans the lambada from Scotland. This why the lambada is known as "The forbidden dance."

Monday, April 5, 2010

Crossover with Aqua Teen Hunger Force

“You guys!” shouted Shake. “Hey you guys, look! I found Hecate’s ring! It was so easy! It was just out there for the taking! Ha ha! What a stupid hiding spot!”

Meatwad rolled out through a door nearby, his eyes barely visible beneath a giant, unruly mane of hair. “Aw, shucks,” he said. “All I found was this room full of hair.”

Frylock floated out of another room. “Let me see that,” he said, grabbing the ring with one of his giant French fry fingers. “Shake, that ring is attached to a necklace. It looks like you just stole some guy’s wedding ring from around his neck.”

Carl appeared at the top of the stairway landing nearby. “All right, who took my freakin’ ring?!” he shouted. He started heading down the stairs, but Mrs. Danvers, who had been sweeping up the stairs from the opposite direction, leapt in front of him. She leaned back against the wall, placing her foot on the opposite banister to block his way.

“Lady, what the hell are you doin’?” said Carl. He tried to move past her, but she darted down a few more stairs and spread her arms out, blocking him again. “C’mon, lady, get out of my freakin’ way!” He tried to dodge past her one more time. This time, she gently laid one arm across his shoulders and began to drag him, step by step, back up the stairs. “Oh, boy,” said Carl. “Here we go again. Lady, you are surprisingly strong.”

The three stared after him for a while. Then Shake turned to Meatwad. “C’mon, Meatwad, let’s go back to that room with the dead animals and try to stuff you into one of the glass cases to scare people.” “O-kay!” said Meatwad. Frylock sighed. “I’m going back to the bar. All this walking around is hurting my feet.”

Friday, April 2, 2010

Crossover with Ernest Hemingway's "To-day is Friday"

Three witches are in a the Speakeasy drinking-place at ten o'clock at night. "My Man" is playing. Behind the counter is a Speakeasy bartender. The three witches are a little cockeyed.

MALE WITCH You tried the rum punch?

LONG-HAIRED WITCH No, I ain't tried it.

MALE WITCH You better try it.

LONG-HAIRED WITCH All right, Speakeasy Bartender, we'll have a round of the rum punch.

SPEAKEASY BARTENDER Here you are, ladies and gentleman. You'll
like that. (He sets down three glasses and collects six dollars total. The witches, being evil, do not tip.) That's a nice bit of rum punch.

MALE WITCH Have a drink of it yourself. (He turns to the
third witch, who has a shaved head and is scowling) What's the matter with you?

BALD WITCH I got a gut-ache.

LONG-HAIRED WITCH You've been drinking water.

MALE WITCH Try some of the rum punch.

BALD WITCH I can't drink the damn stuff. It makes my
gut sour.

MALE WITCH You been out here too long.

BALD WITCH Hell, don't I know it?

MALE WITCH Say, Speakeasy Bartender, can't you give this bald witch something to fix up her stomach?

SPEAKEASY BARTENDER I got it right here.

(The Bald Witch tastes the cup that the Speakeasy Bartender has mixed for her)

BALD WITCH Hey, what you put in that, that shit Mrs. Danvers uses?

SPEAKEASY BARTENDER You drink that right down, Baldy.
That'll fix you up right.

BALD WITCH Well, I couldn't feel any worse.

MALE WITCH Take a chance on it. Speakeasy Bartender fixed me up fine the other day.

SPEAKEASY BARTENDER You were in bad shape. I know what fixes up a bad stomach.

(The Bald Witch drinks the cup down)

BALD WITCH Great Galloping Macbeths! (She makes a face)

LONG-HAIRED WITCH Don't say the name of the Scottish Play!

BALD WITCH: The Scottish play we're in? I don't think it counts if you're in the play.

MALE WITCH Oh, I don't know. He was pretty good in there to-day.

LONG-HAIRED WITCH 'Why didn't he come down off the noose?'

MALE WITCH He didn't want to come down off the noose.
That's not his play.

BALD WITCH I thought it was his play?


LONG-HAIRED WITCH Show me a guy that doesn't want to come
down off the noose.

MALE WITCH Aw, hell, you don't know anything about it.
Ask Speakeasy Bartender there. Did he want to come down off the noose, Speakeasy Bartender?

SPEAKEASY BARTENDER I'll tell you, my witchy chums, I wasn't out there. It's a thing I haven't taken any interest in.

LONG-HAIRED WITCH Listen, I seen a lot of them here and plenty of other places. Any time you show me one that doesn't want to get down off the noose when the time comes, I mean I'll climb right up with him.

MALE WITCH I thought he was pretty good in there to-day.

BALD WITCH He was all right.

LONG-HAIRED WITCH You guys don't know what I'm talking
about. I'm not saying whether he was good or not. What
I mean is, when the times comes. When MacDuff first jumped on his back, there isn't none of them wouldn't stop it if
they could.

MALE WITCH Didn't you follow it, Speakeasy Bartender?

SPEAKEASY BARTENDER No, I didn't take any interest in it. Read too many spoilers on the internet.

MALE WITCH I was surprised how he acted.

BALD WITCH The part I don't like is the bird noises.
You know, that must get to you pretty bad. Is that another Hitchcock allusion? It's hard to keep track.

LONG-HAIRED WITCH It isn't that that's so bad, as when they first lift 'em up. (She makes a lifting gesture with her two palms together) When the weight starts to pull on 'em. That's when it get's 'em.

BALD WITCH It takes some of them pretty bad.

MALE WITCH Ain't I seen 'em? I seen plenty of them. I tell
you, he was pretty good in there to-day.

(The Long-Haired Witch smiles at the SPEAKEASY BARTENDER)

LONG-HAIRED WITCH You're a regular Macbeth fan.

MALE WITCH Sure, go on and kid her. But listen while I
tell you something. He was pretty good in there to-day.

LONG-HAIRED WITCH What about some more rum punch?

(The SPEAKEASY BARTENDER looks up expectantly. The BALD WITCH
is sitting with her head down. She does not look well)

BALD WITCH I don't want any more.

LONG-HAIRED WITCH Just for two, Bartender.

(The SPEAKEASY BARTENDER puts out a pitcher of rum punch, a size smaller than the last one. She leans forward on the counter.)

SPEAKEASY BARTENDER Witches, you know I got to close.

MALE WITCH We'll have one more round.

LONG-HAIRED WITCH What's the use? This stuff don't get you
anywhere. Come on, let's go.

MALE WITCH Just another round.

BALD WITCH (getting up from the table) No, come on. Let's
go. I feel like hell to-night. If I don't get Hecate her Frusen Gladje by midnight she's going to turn me into a racoon or something.

MALE WITCH Just one more.

LONG-HAIRED WITCH No, come on. We're going to go. Goodnight,
Speakeasy Bartender. Put it on the bill.

(The three WITCHES go out the door into the street.
Outside in the street)

BALD WITCH Come on, let's head back to the Replica Bar. I feel
like hell to-night.

LONG-HAIRED WITCH You been out here too long.

BALD WITCH No, it ain't just that. I feel like hell.

LONG-HAIRED WITCH You been out here too long. That's all.


Thursday, April 1, 2010

Crossover with April Fool's Day

In the auditorium, Macbeth stared blankly into the middle distance as MacDuff came rushing up behind him. Macbeth looked excitedly at the witches, and screamed "I thought you said no man of woman born could harm me? Or, if you didn't exactly say it, you held up a dead baby covered in blood when all the techno music was playing which I took to mean that no man of woman born could harm me?"

"Yeah", said the long-haired witch. "About that."

"APRIL FOOLS!", shouted the male witch as MacDuff tied a noose around Macbeth's neck, hoisting him aloft.

The witches did a little dance.