Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Crossover with Neko Case, Kind of

"Holy hat!", exclaimed popular songstress Neko Case as she witnessed Macbeth kill Duncan. "Somebody should do something."

Neko held her sword aloft.

"By the power of Greyskull!", she shouted.

Macbeth turned to face Neko.

"Prepare to get a fistful of sound and fury, signifying your ass getting kicked!", Neko yelled, and beat Macbeth up.

"Ow," said Macbeth.

"Yeah!", said Neko. "You're next, Skeletor!"

"Rar!", said Battlecat.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Crossover with a High School Prom

I didn't have a lot of friends in high school - or I at least didn't have a lot of friends who I went to high school with - and I was fully planning on giving my senior prom a miss. Hecate was having none of that.

You have to go, she'd tell me in that scary whisper voice of hers. It's an American rite-of-passage ritual. These things are important.

I just don't see the point, I'd respond. So I'm going to spend a bunch of money I don't have on a tuxedo and a ticket to this event with a bunch of people I don't really give a shit about. No thanks.

Hecate kept pressing the point. You'll regret it later, she'd say. She could be really single-minded about things once it got into her head. You should have seen her the time she misplaced her ring. Wouldn't shut up about it until I found it. It was in her purse the whole time.

I figured out a way to get her to drop the subject. If it's such a big deal to you that I go, why don't you go as my date?

I expected a litany of reasons as to why this couldn't happen. Me and Hecate had a weird relationship - we were friends, and she seemed really grateful that time I found her lost ring, but as long as I'd known her she never seemed interested in people in any kind of romantic or dating way. She always dealt with people as if she were on a whole other plane of existence, like she could barely notice the rest of us fading in and out of reality. I wasn't even sure how we'd become friends - it just sort of happened. I did a funny dance during one of her raves, she laughed and called me a "funny motherfucker", and after that I was cool with her. Dating Hecate would be like dating the moon. Or Wonder Woman.

Hecate's friends hated me, though. I could tell. Male Witch, Bald Witch, and Long-Haired Witch would either completely ignore me when I was around, sometimes even going so far as to try and walk through me as if I were a ghost, or they'd deliberately bump shoulders against me. Hecate explained it to me in a roundabout way. You have to understand, she'd say. They've got this whole theory that our chemistry is like the four elements - I'm fire, by the way - and to them you just get in the way of that. Screw 'em. I can hang out with whoever I want to.

I'd ask her sometimes why, exactly, she hung around with me and she'd get this glassed-over look in her eyes and say: You're too funny. No explanation beyond that.

Anyway, I'm on a tangent. If it's such a big deal to you that I go, why don't you go as my date?

The question hung in the airspace between us for a while. Then Hecate smiled that scary smile of hers and said yes.

Explaining to my parents that I was going to go to the prom after all, and that my date was going to be the Queen of the Underworld, wasn't pleasant. I knew they wouldn't stop me from doing it, but I also knew they'd want to talk about it. And talk about it. And talk about it. What about some of the girls from my class? What about some of my other friends? Why did I hang around with such weirdos? How old was this person anyway? (I'm not sure Hecate was technically a person, but you get the point.)

Hecate called me up the night before the prom. If you want to back out of this, she told me, you can. I shouldn't have pressured you like that.

I'm in if you're in, I told her.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to all the other kids at the prom who were bringing their cousins or the person who sat next to them in Algebra II - all the kids who'd spent the past four years generally ignoring me - reacting to my bringing the Queen of the Underworld as my date. For my boring town, this was some Us Magazine shit. I hadn't told anybody aside from my parents, and Hecate didn't travel in high school circles. I think she had told the witches, because the last time we hung out the Male Witch kept telling me to make sure we left room for the Holy Ghost when we danced.

I borrowed my dad's car the night of the prom, and picked Hecate up at the Old Lincoln School - where she lived - on my way to the school gym. My parents were pushing to take pictures back at our house, but the thought of them saying something embarrassing in front of Hecate was as horrifying as it was inevitable. I tried so hard to put up a cool front when I hung out with her, I didn't need them screwing it up with some dumb question that she'd find offensive.

The witches made a big deal out of my tuxedo. Then they insisted we pose for pictures on the stage of the Replica Bar where they hung out. Hecate was wearing what she always wore - but it worked as prom formal attire. Her attitude was more formal than usual, too. We'd usually just talk about whatever, but - if you can believe it - she was acting icier than usual.

Let's get this over with, she told me after the witches finished taking pictures.

The night before the prom I had make a mix tape to play in the car on our way to the prom. I put a bunch of songs that I hoped Hecate would like on it, songs that I hoped she'd comment on - ask what it was or want to know more or even tell me that she loved this song or whatever. I knew she liked Peggy Lee, so the first song on the tape was 'Fever'.

Driving to the prom was awkward. Hecate never commented on the music, and she self-consciously read street signs aloud as we passed them. Kow Loon. Mike's Mini Golf. Exit Two Miles. It was distracting. I'd try and lighten the mood by asking her about her week or try and get her to talk shit about the witches, but she'd just shrug and say, Aw, the witches are all right. You just don't know them like I do.

Then she'd go back to reading the street signs.

When Hecate and I arrived at the prom, everybody stared at us. Hecate seemed to enjoy it, but I was self-conscious as hell. Occasionally someone would come over to talk to us - the girl who sat next to me in English class who I was kind of friendly with told Hecate that she'd heard a lot about her. Hecate smiled, then pulled one of her own hairs out of her head, opened the girl's palm and laid the single piece of hair into it, closing the girl's palm. Didn't say a word.

What the hell was that about, I asked Hecate when the girl who sat next to me in English class walked away.

It's just a thing that I do, said Hecate, annoyed. It's not important.

Hecate didn't eat, but she did convince the waiter to serve her alcohol, which was impressive for a high school event. I could already tell that we were going to leave early - the whole evening was just awkward and weird. But I figured we should probably dance once before we went. I requested a fast techno song, and the d.j. told me he'd try and get to it. He played Billy Idol's cover of 'Mony, Mony' instead. Good enough, said Hecate, and ran out to the dance floor. Hecate's an amazing dancer, and for the first time that night I felt more relaxed. When we finished I could tell that she'd had fun, too. Everyone was staring at us.

You want to get out of here, I asked. Hecate nodded.

It was still pretty early, and I didn't want to deal with the witches, so I drove us to the beach. Hecate and I walked over some sand dunes and listened to the ocean for a while, neither of us speaking. Eventually I broke the silence.

So I was right, I said. That was a waste of our time. I got nothing out of it except now I can say I went to my prom and had a really awkward time. Hooray.

Hecate leaned in closer to me and kissed me on the cheek. Then she whispered in my ear, not unkindly: You don't understand anything. Then she asked me to take her home.

I was tired when I drove home that night and I had to pinch my leg repeatedly to keep from falling asleep at the wheel.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Crossover with an Oral History

Lady Macbeth: If I didn't nudge Macbeth towards acheivement, he'd still be in his parents' basement playing fucking Nintendo. He's got a lot of talent and ability, but almost no ambition. Some people may say that makes me a controlling bitch. That's such sexist crap.

Macbeth: Lady Macbeth was more excited by this whole King prophesy than I was. I was on the fence, or I figured 'Hey, if it's prophesised to happen then I should just sit back and wait for it to happen.' Que sera sera, you know?

Lady Macbeth: I remember things were tense. I'd been getting on Macbeth to murder Duncan so he could become king, which in retrospect was kind of a mistake.

Duncan: I knew the Macbeths were up to something. Macbeth was a pretty good guy, but his wife always seemed to be working the angles. I wasn't sure why they decided to throw that banquet.

Lady Macbeth: The banquet was my idea. I figured there was no way my husband could get to Duncan at his own castle, so I'd throw a banquet in Duncan's honor.

Macbeth: The invite list got a little out of control.

Lady Macbeth: We don't socialize much, and the witches always seemed nice, so I figured WHY NOT invite them?

Long-Haired Witch: I remember when we got the invite. We never get invited to anything, because of anti-occult sentiment or whatever. I was really excited.

Bald Witch: Of course we were going to go. Putting things in motion for Macbeth to kill Duncan was our idea in the first place. Hecate was a little miffed that she didn't get an invitation.

Hecate: Lady Macbeth didn't want anyone there who was better-dressed than her. That's the only explanation I can think of. I wouldn't have gone to their stupid banquet anyway.

Banquo's Ghost: I had just assumed that my invitation was lost in the mail. Macbeth and I had gotten into a fight in the Speakeasy, and I wasn't entirely sure why we were on the outs, and he killed me and everything so I thought, "I'll be the better man. I'll make the first gesture and show up at the banquet so that there are no hard feelings." Maybe that makes me a party crasher.

Male Witch: Honestly, the banquet was pretty boring UNTIL Banquo's Ghost showed up. Duncan kept standing up and bells would ring, and the Macbeths would look menacingly across the table at each other, and I was bored out of my mind. Also, MacDuff kept trying to talk politics.

MacDuff: I was fired up about the new tax policy, and I wanted to talk about it. What's wrong with some honest discussion around a dinner table?

Lady MacDuff: He's always doing that. It's embarrassing as hell. I was relieved when Banquo's Ghost showed up, because everyone stopped paying attention to what a jackass my husband was being.

Banquo's Ghost: Once I actaully arrived I thought, 'Oh, well, maybe this was a mistake.' Macbeth's facial expression just turned to abject horror. I suppose if I had just killed someone five minutes before and they'd shown up at my banquet I'd have reacted the same way. Being newly dead, I suppose my capacity for reason had momentarily flown the coop.

Male Witch: Once Banquo's Ghost showed up, I thought that it was time to kick the party up to the next level. I suggested playing Apples to Apples, but Bald Witch said we should all make out with each other in slow motion.

Macbeth: I just freaked out. I had just killed this guy, and then he shows up at my banquet as if everything is cool between us. I was unhappy, and I don't think I was very successful at hiding it.

Lady Macbeth: With Banquo's Ghost freaking my husband out, the party needed an icebreaker. THANK GOD the witches turned it into a free-form slow-motion orgy.

Long-Haired Witch: That TOTALLY broke the ice. After we all started making out, I felt like we could relax. But Lady Macbeth just started insisting everyone leave the room. Right when the party was getting good.

Lady Macbeth: I just thought that if Macbeth was going to be consumed by guilt, it needed to happen BEFORE he killed Duncan. I needed to get him away from Banquo's Ghost as soon as possible, so I cut the evening short. I know that makes me a bad hostess, but I went suicidally insane shortly after that so I don't dwell on it too much. There's a spot.

The Second Mrs. De Winter: There was a banquet?

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Crossover with a Late-Period Al Pacino Performance

The Bald Witch tapped MacDuff on the shoulder and motioned for him to follow her into one of the locked rooms. MacDuff did so.

"I'm sorry," she told him after they were both in the room. "I need to vent. What is the deal with Late-Period Al Pacino suddenly showing up as one of the characters in this play?"

"I don't understand it either," said MacDuff. "It really kills the mood when I'm doing my bookshelf dance and he bounds into the room, screams 'Hoo-ah!' and then starts ranting at us. We're a Macbeth-Hitchcock mash-up. Why was a Late-Period Al Pacino performance added to the mix?"

From the hall, Bald Witch and MacDuff could hear Pacino bellowing, "I played Hamlet once. Ophelia had a GREAT ASS! Hoo-ah!" The throng of white-masked theater-goers all followed Late-Period Al Pacino. Late-Period Al Pacino led them into the Macbeths' bedroom, where Macbeth and Lady Macbeth were in the midst of their seductive dance - Lady Macbeth trying to egg her husband on to murder King Duncan. Late-Period Al Pacino entered, and spoke:

"I'm just gettin' warmed up! I don't know who went to this place, William Howard Taft, William Jennings Bryan, William Tell -- whoever. Their spirit is dead -- if they ever had one -- it's gone. You're building a rat ship here. A vessel for sea goin' snitches. And if you think you're preparing these minnows for manhood you better think again. Because I say you are killing the very spirit this institution proclaims it instills! What a sham. What kind of a show are you guys puttin' on here today. I mean, the only class in this act is sittin' next to me. And I'm here to tell ya this boy's soul is intact. It's non-negotiable. You know how I know? Someone here -- and I'm not gonna say who -- offered to buy it. Only Macbeth here wasn't sellin'!"

The audience burst into thunderous applause while the Macbeths looked at each other in confusion. No one in a white mask noticed when Macbeth whispered to Lady Macbeth, "What did that just have to do with this scene?"

"Now if you'll excuse me," Late-Period Al Pacino told the audience, "I have a one-on-one I need to liven up. Hoo-ah!"

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Crossover with the Steampunk Subculture

(you really need to click on this image to appreciate its full majesty)

"What the hell are you guys supposed to be?", asked MacDuff.

Macbeth adjusted his goggles. "We're steampunks. We take a Victorian aesthetic and apply science fiction principles to it. I'm the captain of the great airship Cawdor. I'm an air pirate. A pirate of the air. In an airship. Powered by steam."

"Powered by steam and adventure", added Hecate.

"And little hats", said Bald Witch.

"That makes no sense", said MacDuff. "Where does this come from?"

Macbeth walked slowly over to MacDuff until their noses were almost touching each other, he was so close. Macbeth looked MacDuff squarely in the eyes. Then he spoke.

"Airships."

"I have robotic legs that I've built", said Malcolm. "Powered by steam."

MacDuff was still confused. "So is it 1860 or is it the future?"

"Both and neither", said Steampunk Abraham Lincoln.

"The only limits in steampunk, MacDuff, are the LIMITS OF YOUR IMAGINATION", said Steampunk Dinosaur. Steampunk Astronaut nodded.

"So I could fly an X-Wing Fighter, like in Star Wars?", asked MacDuff.

"Is it powered by steam?", asked Macbeth.

"Uh..... sure", said MacDuff.

"You shouldn't call it an X-Wing, though", said Hecate. "You should call it something more steampunk."

Bald Witch nodded. "You should call it... an airship!"

They all agreed.

"Now put these aviator goggles on."

Macbeth piloted everyone in his airship to the location of the Steampunk convention. When our colorfully-attired heroes arrived, however, the convention center seemed curiously empty.

"Where is everybody?", asked Hecate. "I need to show off my Electrolux vacuum cybernetic arm. Which is powered by steam."

Steampunk Dinosaur pulled out his steam-powered iPhone and checked the calendar on it. "Oh noes!", he roared. "The steampunk convention was LAST WEEKEND!"

"What are we going to do in an abandoned convention center?", asked Macbeth.

Hecate made a motion to snap her fingers, but was stymied by the large vacuum cleaner attached to her arm. "I've got it!", she yelled. "We'll charge people to wear white masks, wander around this abandoned convention center, and experience a repeating nightmare dreamscape of our own devising."

Macbeth's eyes grew wide with excitement. "A nightmare dreamscape... powered by STEAM!"

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Crossover with facebook's "25 Random Things About Me" Meme

(note: as entered by Mrs. Danvers)

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

1. People always ask me if there's a Mr. Danvers. There used to be. I ate him.

2. I don't see the need to walk down stairs when I can tumble maniacally down the banisters. It's a thing with me.

3. Strawberry activia = the yummy!

4. When I'm alone, it's dark, and I'm trying to sleep I worry that all the "Macbeth" characters hate me. That they're like, "Get out of our play, character from a Hitchcock film!" I'd talk about this with the Second Mrs. De Winter, but I have vowed to destroy her.

5. I had a total girl crush on Rebecca. I'm still not over that.

6. I once had a dream where the "Hamburglar" from the McDonalds commercials and I opened an office-supply store. WTF?

7. Drawing on walls with chalk is therapeutic for me. When I'm doing that it's like all my other troubles just melt away.

8. I refuse to use emoticons when communicating on the computer.

9. One time I was doing a scene with Lady Macbeth and I heard one of the white masks say, "That's Lady Macbeth's nurse" to her friend. I thought about correcting her, but then I decided, "What's the point?" I should start wearing a nametag.

10. If I never hear another Bernard Herrmann score, it will not be soon enough. It's like I can't get it out of my head. Drives me batty.

11. It would be easy to be "cool" and say that I don't like these little facebook quizzes, but I love reading them and I love doing them. OMG I'm so lame!

12. Even though I try and project a tough-and-scary image, I cry every time I see that Sarah McLachlan animal rescue commercial.

13. Hecate and her witch friends think they're so goddamn funny, but I don't get any of their jokes. It makes me feel like a moron, so I just pretend that I'm above it.

14. My favorite Muppet is Pepe the Prawn.

15. Sometimes I fantasize about taking one of those white masks and then just exiting this stupid abandoned nightmare world of a school forever. Get a job as a dietician or something.

16. One day, just to see everybody's reaction, I showed up wearing a majorette's uniform instead of my usual outfit. No one even commented on it.

17. I practice sneering in the mirror when no one's looking. I think it's helped. My sneer fucking rocks. It's Elvis good!

18. The first time I ever kissed someone was during a one-on-one. How sad is that?

19. I'm shy around people until I get to know them.

20. I'm terrified of taxidermied animals. Don't know why. Fucking terrified. Shivers down spine terrified. Even thinking about it: brrrr.

21. Every time I turn on the t.v. and "The Goonies" is on I need to drop what I'm doing and watch it all the way to the end. Goonies never say die!

22. If I were to get a tattoo, I would get the Chinese character for "wisdom" tattooed on my lower back. Either that or the phrase "BUGGIN' OUT" in large graffiti-style letters across my stomach.

23. I can do an awesome door dance and I can waltz with Zombie Duncan like nobody's business, but I am hopeless at breakdancing. If I showed you my "robot" you would laugh and laugh.

24. I'm only doing 24. Because I'm eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevil.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Crossover with an Ed Hardy T-Shirt

Malcolm was pissed.

"This jaunty beret is doing NOTHING for me. NOTHING!" he shouted in the mirror. Tearing the jaunty beret off his head, he threw it onto the ground. For good measure, he stomped on it. Twice.

Malcolm's stalwart chum, Banquo, heard shouting from the other room. Banquo entered.

"Dude, what's the matter? And why are you staring into the mirror? All the mirrors in this room are turned to face the wall. Seems like an exercise in futility to me. Also, what the fuck is that t-shirt?"

Malcolm looked down at his new t-shirt, a rocking Ed Hardy number.

"I didn't think my usual England-between-the-wars get-up was working", Malcolm said. "I want to show the ladies that I'm dangerous, that I'm pulling in mad dough from being the son of the king - enough dough to spend $100 on a t-shirt. Women are impressed by that. I read it in Maxim."

Banquo looked pained. "Malcolm, it's a well-known fact that the only people who wear those t-shirts are GRADE-A DOUCHEBAGS. Who told you this was a good idea?"

"The witches", said Malcolm. "They said I could go to their next rave if I cultivated an edgier look. Also, something about when the hurlyburly's done. What's a hurlyburly? "

Banquo spat. And shook his fist in the air.

"Merciful powers!
Restrain in me the curs├Ęd thoughts that nature
Gives way to in repose", he said.

"Anyway, I just had a thought", Malcolm said to his friend, "What do you think about the jaunty beret WITH the t-shirt?"