Monday, July 26, 2010

Crossover with San Diego Comic-Con

"How long have you been waiting in that line, MacDuff?", Banquo shouted into his cell phone. Amid the assembled crowd it was difficult to hear.

"Four hours. Four bloody hours. Just so I can watch the cast of the new 'Twilight' movie answer some questions and show some clips," MacDuff responded.

"Any sign of Macbeth?"

"Not since this morning. He was getting his Optimus Prime costume together at the hotel. Every time I'd ask him something at breakfast he'd stare at me intently and say, 'I'm more than meets the eye!' It got annoying. What are you up to?"

"Trying to walk the floor, but I keep getting hit with backpacks. It's like I'm invisible, people just walk past me. Do you know who's selling original art? Glenn Danzig, the metal guy who used to sing for the Misfits. I kept asking to see different Jack Kirby pages just so I could make Glenn Danzig pull them out of the sleeve. I wanted to ask for a photo, but I chickened out."

"So what you're saying," MacDuff realized, "is that you had a one on one with Glenn Danzig? That we're all wandering this convention which is so large you can't possibly take everything in? That we're all having individualized experiences that we then discuss after the fact in a bar to compare notes? That you're treated as if you don't exist in a capricious manner? That faceless security figures tell you where you can't go? That you're constantly feeling a sense that while what you're seeing is totally amazing, you could be missing something even MORE amazing somewhere else in the building?"

"I guess so," said Banquo. "Hrm. So that's what that's like."

Friday, July 23, 2010

Crossover with Electra-Woman and Dyna-Girl

"Electro-wow!", shouted Dyna-Girl as she ducked the flailing body of Banquo in the Speakeasy.

"Your evilness ends here, Macbeth!", shouted Electra-Woman.

Macbeth laughed. An evil laugh. I'm hesitant to type "Mooohahahahaha", but really that's what it sounded like. Oh, screw it.

"Mooohahahahaha," said Macbeth, who ran out of the room.

"Quick, Dyana-Girl, he's heading for the banquet!", shouted Electra-Woman, chasing after him.

Dyna-Girl ran after Electra-Woman and Macbeth, but in the darkness and among the masked spectators, she lost them.

"Electro-shucks!", Dyna-Girl shouted.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Crossover with "Star Wars"

"Manderlay Bar," Obi-Wan told Luke. "You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy."

"But it's impossible to get tickets to this show!", Luke exclaimed. "Impossible! They're going on craigslist for like 800 dollars!"

"Leave that to me," said Obi-Wan.

At the entrance, Luke and Obi-Wan were blocked by Stormtroopers.

"Tickets, please."

Obi-Wan waved his hand. "You don't need to see my tickets."

After entering, Obi-Wan told Luke, "The force has great power over the weak-minded."

Elsewhere in the bar, Han Solo was about to prep the Millenium Falcon for its next Kessel Run. He was stopped by the Male Witch, pointing a playing card at him.

"Going somewhere, Solo?"

"Yes, Male Witch. I was just about to go see your boss. Tell Hecate I've got her ring."

"It's too late. Hecate's put a price on your head so large every bounty hunter in the galaxy will be looking for you. I'm lucky I found you first."

Han stammered.

"Yeah, but this time I've got the ring," he said.

The Male Witch replied, "If you give it to me, I might forget I found you."

"I don't have it with me. Tell Hecate...."

"Hecate's done with you. She has no time for smugglers who drop their shipments at the first sign of an Imperial cruiser."

"Even I get boarded sometimes. Do you think I had a choice?"

"You can tell that to Hecate. She may only take your ship."

"Over my dead body."

The Male Witch said, "That's the idea. I've been looking forward to this for a long time."

"Yes," said Han Solo. "I'll bet you have."


Sorry about that. I get carried away sometimes.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Crossover with Punchdrunk / ENO's "The Duchess of Malfi"

In the dark, Hecate nudged MacDuff. MacDuff ignored her. She nudged him again.

Finally, MacDuff turned and whispered "What?"

"It's the mask," Hecate answered. "The mask is making my face sweat. Do you think I can take it off?"

MacDuff whispered, "You can't take the mask off and you can't talk. Now leave me alone."

Hecate harumphed. "Fuck this. I've been wandering around this office building for an hour and a half. Where's the Duchess? I just keep running into priests. That one priest was flogging himself on the cross and then he pulled me into a locked room. It was crazy! It was like he did a scene just for me! I was an audience of one! I had no idea what the hell was going on, but it was still pretty awesome. I wonder how many people that happens to. Am I the only person who came here tonight who that happened to? I'm pretty lucky. Can you believe it, MacDuff?"

MacDuff covered his ears. "Lalalalala. I'm not listening to you. You're ruining this for me."

Hecate poked MacDuff.

"MacDuff! Why did that one girl just hand the other girl an apricot? Are they courtesans? Witches? What?"

MacDuff exhaled. "Did you even read the play? They use apricots to discover that the Duchess is pregnant in the play."

Hecate wrinkled her nose under her mask. "Why should I read some stupid play? I came here to see the play. Or opera. Whatever it is. Why are there werewolves?"

"I'm going upstairs," said MacDuff. "Don't follow me. It works best if you discover your own play. You're ruining this for me. It's supposed to be immersive. How can I be immersed if you keep asking me stupid questions?"

MacDuff went upstairs, through the forest of wire trees, into the bedchamber of the Duchess. Hecate followed. The Duchess was writhing around on her bed and her brother Ferdinand was singing counterpoint.

"Why does that one guy sound like a chick? What are they singing about?", asked Hecate.

"He's a counter-tenor. It's an opera thing," whispered MacDuff. A steward shushed him. MacDuff ignored the steward and continued. "You really should have at least read a synopsis before coming here."

"Do you think any of these opera people know where my ring is? Why are there computer monitors? Isn't it supposed to be like 400 A.D. or something? They didn't have computer monitors in 400 A.D. I'm sure of it. Why aren't they crossing over with bad sitcoms from the 1980s? Our show crosses over with bad sitcoms from the 1980s all the time. Wouldn't it be funny if, like, the Cardinal's mistress Julia was obsessed with Haagen Daasz and the Cardinal sang to her about going to hell and she responded, in an operatic voice, 'HAAAAAAAAAGEEEEEEEEN DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASZ'. And then Tootie from 'The Facts of Life' could roller-skate by. It would be like first season 'Facts of Life' Tootie, with Molly Ringwald and all that. When Tootie roller-skated. Remember when Tootie roller-skated? She stopped doing that after the first season. Haagen-Daasz and Tootie. That would be funny."

"I think it would be funny," said Steampunk Dinosaur.

"It would not be funny," said MacDuff. "Look at all the effort these people have put into this show - it must have taken weeks to build, and the attention to detail is staggering. It's not a forum for your stupid pop culture references. Show some fucking respect."

"Fine," said Hecate. "Fine. Fine. Fine. Oh look, that dude who sounds like a chick is naked now."

Tootie roller-skated by. Hecate pointed.

"That's what I'm talking about!", Hecate laughed.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Crossover with Paul the Psychic Octopus

Macbeth pressed his face against the glass case of Paul the Octopus's tank and screamed louder.

"What threat does MacDuff pose?", Macbeth howled. Paul the Octopus placed some of his suction cups on the tank in response.

"What does that even mean?!", cried Macbeth.

Paul the Octopus ate a mussel.

"So you're saying that I should beware mussels? That MacDuff seeks to attack me through food poisoning?"

Paul the Octopus blinked his strange octopus eyes. Macbeth nodded.

"Right. I'd better kill his family to be safe. I'm off! Thank you for your divination, O psychic octopus!" Macbeth ran up the stairs to the MacDuffs' quarters and engaged Lady MacDuff in a fatal dance of death around a crib. On killing Lady MacDuff, Macbeth thought, "Who the hell creates a mobile out of headless dolls anyway?"

Back in the basement, the Male Witch was annoyed.

"Macbeth used to ask us this stuff. Now he's just asking the octopus. Who's not even psychic. He got the 2008 Euro predictions wrong, but no one brings that up," he said.

Bald Witch shrugged. "What are you gonna do? People like to anthropomorphize animals."

Lady Macbeth ran into the room. "Paul!", she screamed. "I've got my form for the office Emmy Awards pool! Will it be a three-peat for Bryan Cranston?"

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Crossover with the Python Programming Language

import actions

import datetime

import frusengladje

import props

import random

import stories

import songs

class SleepNoMoreCharacter:

def __init__(self, cast):

self.cast = cast

def perform(self):

raise NotPayingYouForNothingException("Cmon guys! Let's go freak out some SNM noob!")

def make_out(self, other_character):

raise NotHotEnoughException("Something hot needs to happen when this character makes out with %s" % other_character)

def one_on_one(self, audience_member):

raise NotScaryEnoughException("What do you think this is, the Second Mrs. De Winter's one-on-one?!")

class Hecate(SleepNoMoreCharacter):

def perform(self):

next_carton = frusengladje.open_carton()

def make_out(self, other_character):

raise StuckInTheBasementException("God it smells musty down here ...")

def one_on_one(self, audience_member):



class BaldWitch(SleepNoMoreCharacter):

def perform(self):


def make_out(self, other_character):


def one_on_one(self, audience_member):


class MaleWitch(SleepNoMoreCharacter):

def perform(self):



def make_out(self, other_character):


def one_on_one(self, audience_member):



class LongHairedWitch(SleepNoMoreCharacter):

def perform(self):


def make_out(self, other_character):


def one_on_one(self, audience_member):

actions.sing(self.cast.MaleWitch, songs.MOONLIGHT_BECOMES_YOU)


class Macbeth(SleepNoMoreCharacter):

def perform(self):


def make_out(self, other_character):


def one_on_one(self, audience_member):


class LadyMacbeth(SleepNoMoreCharacter):

def perform(self):


def make_out(self, other_character):

for cast_member in self.cast:


def one_on_one(self, audience_member):


class Macduff(SleepNoMoreCharacter):

def perform(self):

if self.cast.LongHairedWitch.is_nearby():




def make_out(self, other_character):


def one_on_one(self, audience_member):

raise TooEnragedForOneOnOnesException("NOOOOO!!!!! DUUUUNNNCCCCAAAAANNNNN!!!!")

class LadyMacduff(SleepNoMoreCharacter):

def perform(self):

if self.cast.Duncan.is_dead():




def make_out(self, other_character):


def one_on_one(self, audience_member):


class Malcolm(SleepNoMoreCharacter):

def perform(self):



def make_out(self, other_character):


def one_on_one(self, audience_member):







class Banquo(SleepNoMoreCharacter):

def perform(self):

if self.cast.Macduff.is_nearby():




def make_out(self, other_character):


def one_on_one(self, audience_member):


class Duncan(SleepNoMoreCharacter):

def perform(self):

if self.cast.Macbeth.is_nearby():




def make_out(self, other_character):


actions.hums("Touched for the very first time ...")

def one_on_one(self, audience_member):

raise TooDeadForOneOnOnesException("Meh. I'm dead. Think I'll go dance with Mrs. Danvers in the ballroom.")

class Danvers(SleepNoMoreCharacter):

def perform(self):

if self.cast.Macduff.is_nearby():


elif self.cast.LadyMacbeth.is_nearby():


elif self.cast.LadyMacduff.is_nearby():


elif self.cast.Duncan.is_nearby() and self.cast.Duncan.is_dead():



actions.take_five("Maybe I'll go upstairs and scribble crazy diagrams on the walls ...")

def make_out(self, other_character):

raise ThatsNotWhatRebeccaWouldHaveDoneException("I watched you make out just as I watched her a year ago. Even in the makeout scene the third time tonight you couldn't compare.")

def one_on_one(self, audience_member):


class DeWinter(SleepNoMoreCharacter):

def perform(self):

actions.stick_with_pins( and actions.roam_with(props.valise) and actions.pine_for(self.cast.Duncan)

def make_out(self, other_character):


def one_on_one(self, audience_member):




class Porter(SleepNoMoreCharacter):

def perform(self):


def make_out(self, other_character):


def one_on_one(self, audience_member):

if random.randint(0, 1000000) == 1000000:


class SleepNoMoreCast()

def __init__(self):

self.members = {

"Hecate": Hecate(self),

"BaldWitch": BaldWitch(self),

"MaleWitch": MaleWitch(self),

"LongHairedWitch": LongHairedWitch(self),

"Macbeth": Macbeth(self),

"LadyMacbeth": LadyMacbeth(self),

"Macduff": Macduff(self),

"LadyMacduff": LadyMacduff(self),

"Malcolm": Malcolm(self),

"Banquo": Banquo(self),

"Duncan": Duncan(self)

"MrsDanvers": Danvers(self),

"SecondMrsDeWinter": DeWinter(self),

"Porter": Porter(self)


def __getattr__(self, name):

if name in self.members:

return self.members[name]


raise CastMemberNotFoundException("You must be thinking of one of the other fine Punchdrunk production.")

def __iter__(self):

for cast_member in self.members.itervalues():

yield cast_member

def get_all(self):

return self.members.values()

if __name__ == "__main__":

cast = SleepNoMoreCast()

while frusengladje.exists: # Possible infinite loop


for cast_member in cast:


for random_cast_member in random.shuffle(cast.get_all()):

other_cast_member = random.choice(cast.get_all())


Friday, July 9, 2010

Crossover with "Pride and Prejudice"

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single Thane in possession of a shaky prophesy, must be in want of a kingship.

However little known the feelings or views of such a man may be on his first entering a Second Consultation, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding white-masked ghosts, that the kingship is considered the rightful property of some or other of his wives.

"My dear Macbeth," said his lady to him one day, "have you heard that Duncan is visiting at last?"

Macbeth replied that he had not.

"But he is," returned she; "for The Second Mrs. De Winter has just been here, and she told me all about it."

Macbeth made no answer.

"Do you not want to know when he arrives?" cried his wife impatiently.

"You want to tell me, and I have no objection to hearing it."

This was invitation enough.

"Why, my dear, you must know, The Second Mrs. De Winter says that Duncan is arriving to praise you for your work during the war; that his son Malcolm came down on Monday in a chaise and four to see the place, and was so much delighted with it, that he agreed immediately; that Duncan is to arrive here before Michaelmas, and his servant is to be in the house by the end of next week. If the servant tries to make you to drink something, I advise against it."

"What is the servant's name?"

"Mrs. Danvers."

"Is the king married or single?"

"Oh! Single, my dear, to be sure! A single man of large fortune; four or five thousand a year. What a fine thing for us!"

"How so? How can it affect us?"

"My dear Macbeth," replied his wife, "how can you be so tiresome! You must know that I am thinking of you killing him and becoming king."

"Is that your design in having him come here?"

"Design! Nonsense, how can you talk so!"

"I see no occasion for that. You may go, or you may send the witches, or you may send him to play cards with Hecate, which perhaps will be still better, for as you are as handsome as any of them, Duncan may like you the best of the party."

"My dear, you flatter me. I certainly have had my share of beauty, but I do not pretend to be anything extraordinary now. When a woman has an entire abandoned school to look after, she ought to give over thinking of her own beauty."

"In such cases, a woman has not often much beauty to think of."

"But, my dear, you must indeed go and see Duncan when he comes into the Old Lincoln School. And kill him. Horribly."

"It is more than I engage for, I assure you."

"But consider me. Only think what an establishment it would be for me to be Queen. MacDuff and Lady MacDuff are determined to go, merely on that account, for in general, you know, they visit no newcomers. Indeed you must go and kill him, for it will be impossible for us to become King and Queen if you do not."

"You are over-scrupulous, surely. I dare say Duncan won't be very glad to see me; and I will send a few lines by you to assure him of my hearty consent to my killing him."

"Macbeth, how can you abuse my machinations in such a way? You take delight in vexing me. You have no compassion for my poor nerves."

"You mistake me, my dear. I have a high respect for your nerves. They are my old friends. I have heard you mention them with consideration these last twenty years at least."

"Ah, you do not know what I suffer. LOOK AT THIS SPOT ON MY HAND!"

"But I hope you will get over it, and live to see many Kings of four thousand a year come into the neighbourhood for me to commit regicide upon."

"It will be no use to us, if twenty such should come, since you will not kill them."

"Depend upon it, my dear, that when there are twenty, I will kill them all."

Macbeth was so odd a mixture of quick parts, sarcastic humour, interpretive dance, reserve, and caprice, that the experience of three-and-twenty years had been insufficient to make his wife understand his character. Her mind was less difficult to develop. She was a woman of mean understanding, little information, jumping on beds, wandering through halls in a sleepwalk daze, unbridled ambition, and uncertain temper. When she was discontented, she fancied herself nervous. The business of her life was to have her husband kill the king and then become suicidally guilty over it; its solace was visiting and news.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Crossover with Fermat's Last Theorem

"I have discovered a truly marvelous play, in which the characters from Shakespeare's Macbeth enact their terrible tragedy through dance in a dimly-light, hauntingly-decorated Brookline middle school, said school to include flying decapitated babies and a number of rooms that appear to have nothing in them except rocks, a bowl of water, and a knife, and the scenes from which will include a crazy techno-driven scene where Macbeth receives the three witches' prophesy, said scene containing a giant goat's head and lots of nudity, and possibly also a scene starring Hecate and the defunct ice cream brand Frusen Glädjé, though this scene is optional and may be cut due to trademarking issues over use of the Frusen Glädjé brand name, and all the while these characters will interact with Mrs. Danvers and the Second Mrs. De Winter from Hitchcock's Rebecca, which I am also inventing here since I AM A WIZARD from the year 1637 who can see the future. This blog post is too narrow to contain it."

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Crossover with "Back to the Future"

Marty McFly squinted underneath his white mask. The figure on the other side of the auditorium wore a similar white mask, but the familiar shock of white hair that emerged from underneath made it clear to Marty exactly whose face was obstructed by the mask. Marty approached Doc Brown.

"Doc, showing me the first American Punchdrunk production in 2010 has been interesting, but don't you think we should be getting back to 1985?"

"Patience, my boy!", Doc Brown told his young friend. A steward shushed him, but Doc Brown continued. "Don't you realize the historical importance of this production? One day brilliant scribes will write crossover fan fiction blogs in its honor! Theater and blogging are both forever changed by this one Brookline theater production!"

Marty felt chastened. "I guess you're right. I'm just nervous. We've had some crazy time-travel adventures, and something always seems to go wrong."


"Tell that to me again," Hecate said to the Long-Haired Witch.

"We were in the ballroom, pushing the trees around, like we always do. I heard these two doofuses talking about getting back to their time machine DeLorean to get to the year 1985. I thought you'd be interested because of, you know, the ice cream."

Hecate jumped up and down. "A time machine! Do you know how much fucking delicious Frusen Glädjé I can get my fabulously gloved hands on if I have a time machine?!?! Ever since Abe Lincoln destroyed my last time machine I've had to ration my supply! This is awesome! This is beyond awesome!" Hecate jumped up and down and started pumping her fists.

"No time to lose. Follow the doofuses. Steal their time machine."

"On it," said Long-Haired witch, who danced up the stairs, entered the hotel lobby, sat down in the back chamber, had some white-masked ghosts change her shoes, and then danced to the exit where Marty McFly and Doc Brown were heading out of the Old Lincoln School to their time-traveling DeLorean, which she promptly stole. Using magic.


"Great scott!", Doc Brown yelled. "Someone's stolen our DeLorean!"

"Gee, Doc," Marty said. "How are we going to get back to 1985?"

"If we can harness the power of the thunder and lightning created in Hecate's umbrella room, that should generate the 1.21 jigawatts necessary to follow them!"


Hecate and Long-Haired Witch drove the Time-Traveling DeLorean back to 1985.

"OMG," said Long-Haired Witch. "Look at all the shoulder pads. These people make Malcolm look fashionable."

"Focus!", said Hecate.

Hecate drove the DeLorean to an Almacs, parked in a handicapped spot, and ran inside.


Marty and Doc Brown re-entered the Old Lincoln School and tried to make their way to the basement to find Hecate's umbrella room.

"I'm confused," said Marty. "Where's the hallway with all the doors again? This place is like a maze."

"This way!", shouted Doc Brown, who entered the Speakeasy Bar. Inside the Speakeasy Bar were Biff Tannen's grandson, Biff Tannen III, and MacDuff. Biff Tannen III was knocking on MacDuff's skull.

"Helloooooooo, MacDuuuuuuuuff? Anybody home, MacDuff?", Tannen shouted in MacDuff's ear.


"Um, Hecate, I have to ask the obvious question here," Long-Haired Witch said. "You've got the DeLorean so full of Frusen Glädjé that I can't fit in anymore. How am I supposed to get back to 2010? We just extended the show through early February."

"Don't worry," Hecate said. "I'll drop the Frusen Glädjé off and then come back for you."

Hecate revved up the DeLorean and headed back to 2010.

Long-Haired Witch swore. Using magic.


In the Manderlay Bar Marty McFly was in the midst of a full-on Van Halen solo to the shock of the confused crowd.

"Trust me," Marty told the "Sleep No More" patrons, "Your kids are gonna love that."

In the back room, a phone call was frantically being made. "Eddie? It's your cousin, MARVIN VAN HALEN! You know that new sound you've been looking for? Listen to this!"


Hecate arrived in 2010 and unloaded her Frusen Glädjé.

"Where's Long-Haired Witch?", the Male Witch asked. "Don't you have to go back for her?"

Hecate shrugged. "She'll figure something out."


"Hey, Doc!", shouted Marty. "Look, the DeLorean's back."

"Quick, Marty, get in!" Doc said. "We have to get back to 1985!"

"Why are there all these empty ice cream containers in the car?"

Doc Brown and Marty took off for 1985 and MORE EXCITING ADVENTURES.


"Fucking Hecate," Long-Haired Witch spat in 1985. "I'll show her."


Hecate was eating her Frusen Glädjé when Bald Witch entered the room.

"If that stuff is so great, why did they stop making it?", Bald Witch asked.

"I dunno," said Hecate. "Check Wikipedia."

Bald Witch called up the Wikipedia entry on Frusen Glädjé. "Oh shit. Says here that they stopped making it because Long-Haired Witch burned down all their factories."

Long-Haired Witch entered the room. "It's a good thing we don't age! I've been waiting since 1985 for the time-line to catch up. I had to live through the Macarena again. THE MACARENA, you unfeeling bitch!"

Hecate looked confused.

"You're the reason there's no more Frusen Glädjé?"

"Serves you right," said Long-Haired Witch. Then she added, "MACARENA."

"That's it," said Hecate. "Next time you try and dance with someone during Moonlight Becomes You I am TOTALLY going to fuck that up for you. And then I'm going to have a one-on-one with them. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FUCK WITH ME."

Friday, July 2, 2010

Crossover with the Aaron Burr-Alexander Hamilton Duel

Alexander Hamilton and Macbeth rowed out to Weehawken.

"Thank you, Macbeth, for being my second," the former Treasury Secretary told Macbeth.

"We wouldn't be in this situation if you hadn't defamed Burr's character during the gubernatorial race. If you don't emerge from this duel unscathed, it could fatally weaken the Federalist party!"

"Balderdash!", Hamilton scoffed. "The Federalist Party will outlive both of us!"

Several meters away, Aaron Burr and MacDuff were also rowing out to Weehawken. Burr was pensive, but MacDuff was more boisterious.

"Burr, by allowing me to be your second in this duel, you're providing me the perfect opportunity to ambush Macbeth. I know Hamilton defamed your character and caused you to lose the governorship to Morgan Lewis, but Macbeth killed my wife and child and that must be avenged!"

When the four arrived at Weehawken, lots were cast for the choice of position and which second should start the duel, both of which were won by Macbeth who chose the upper edge of the ledge (which faced the city) for Hamilton.

Hamilton fired first, and into the air. Burr returned fire and hit Hamilton in the lower abdomen above the right hip. MacDuff ran at Macbeth. Macbeth shouted "I throw my warlike shield. Lay on, Macduff, And damn'd be him that first cries, 'Hold, enough!'"

MacDuff jumped onto Macbeth's back, and draped a noose around his neck.

Hamilton looked at Macbeth. "This is going poorly," he remarked, and then passed out.

Aaron Burr and MacDuff had vanquished their duel foes.

"It's Miller Time!", MacDuff declared. And indeed it was.