Thursday, July 22, 2010

Crossover with "Star Wars"

"Manderlay Bar," Obi-Wan told Luke. "You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy."

"But it's impossible to get tickets to this show!", Luke exclaimed. "Impossible! They're going on craigslist for like 800 dollars!"

"Leave that to me," said Obi-Wan.

At the entrance, Luke and Obi-Wan were blocked by Stormtroopers.

"Tickets, please."

Obi-Wan waved his hand. "You don't need to see my tickets."

After entering, Obi-Wan told Luke, "The force has great power over the weak-minded."

Elsewhere in the bar, Han Solo was about to prep the Millenium Falcon for its next Kessel Run. He was stopped by the Male Witch, pointing a playing card at him.

"Going somewhere, Solo?"

"Yes, Male Witch. I was just about to go see your boss. Tell Hecate I've got her ring."

"It's too late. Hecate's put a price on your head so large every bounty hunter in the galaxy will be looking for you. I'm lucky I found you first."

Han stammered.

"Yeah, but this time I've got the ring," he said.

The Male Witch replied, "If you give it to me, I might forget I found you."

"I don't have it with me. Tell Hecate...."

"Hecate's done with you. She has no time for smugglers who drop their shipments at the first sign of an Imperial cruiser."

"Even I get boarded sometimes. Do you think I had a choice?"

"You can tell that to Hecate. She may only take your ship."

"Over my dead body."

The Male Witch said, "That's the idea. I've been looking forward to this for a long time."

"Yes," said Han Solo. "I'll bet you have."

And then Han SHOT THE MALE WITCH UNDER THE TABLE. DO YOU HEAR ME, GEORGE LUCAS!?! HAN SHOT THE MALE WITCH UNDER THE TABLE! THE MALE WITCH DID NOT SHOOT FIRST OR SHOOT SIMULTANEOUSLY OR THROW THE PLAYING CARD AT HIM OR WANDER OVER TO THE POOL TABLE AND DO AN ELABORATE DANCE ON THE POOL TABLE OR ANYTHING OF THE SORT. HAN DID IT BECAUSE HE'S A BADASS SMUGGLER AND HIS CHARACTER ARC MAKES MORE SENSE WHEN HE GOES FROM BEING THAT RUTHLESS TO FINALLY GIVING A CRAP ABOUT HIS FRIENDS! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO PUT IN YOUR NEXT STAR WARS RE-RELEASE? A CGI PET BUNNY FOR HAN NAMED MR. NIBBLES OR SOMETHING? YEAH, THAT'LL HUMANIZE HIM! GO WITH THAT, GEORGE! HAN SHOT FIRST HAN SHOT FIRST HAN SHOT FIRST.

Sorry about that. I get carried away sometimes.

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