Crossover with Jurassic Park

I.

"Sorry I'm late. Bookshelf dance. What's the meeting about?", MacDuff asked as he entered the large ballroom. His fellow "Sleep No More" cast members were gathered in a circle, along with representatives from Punchdrunk and the A.R.T.

"We've had a great new idea to shake up the show", said the Punchdrunk representative. "Too many people on the Internet are talking about what happens and when. This should solve that."

The A.R.T. representative, who - it should be mentioned - is none other than Dr. Ian Malcolm, Jeff Goldblum's popular character from the "Jurassic Park" films, said "I think the measures you're talking about are too drastic."

Hecate raised her hand.

"Um, I don't mean to get off topic.... but the memo said there'd be Frusen Glädjé at this meeting."

The representatives glared at Hecate. Hecate looked down at the floor.

"Shutting up now."

The first Punchdrunk representative continued. "Live dinosaurs! That's what's going to shake up the show! Let's see these facebook losers give away the show's secrets when they're running for their lives from a velociraptor!"

Dr. Ian Malcolm raised his hand. "The dangers present to the audience and the characters if we bring live dinosaurs into the show are staggering, I don't care how many safeguards you have in place. It's just too enormous. Statistics show that nature cannot be contained."

"The decision is made, Dr. Malcolm! We've already taught the dinosaurs how to make out with each other in slow motion. We need to recoup that investment."

II.

The Second Mrs. De Winter shut the door to Rebecca's room and locked it with a key. She approached the white-masked patron and slowly, gently, lifted the mask from his face.

ONLY - HOLY SHIT - IT WASN'T A PERSON AT ALL BUT A MOTHERFUCKING TYRANNOSAURUS REX.

"Roar!", said the giant thunder lizard.

The Second Mrs. De Winter screamed. She unlocked the door and ran down the hall. The T-Rex gave chase.

Meanwhile, in the Replica Bar, the witches, Hecate, and Macbeth were trying to get through the Second Consultation.

"These fucking terodactyl keep dive-bombing my head every time I try and get up on the table!", the goat-headed male witch said. "And the strobe lights are freaking them out."

The Bald Witch hid under the table, using the umbilical cord of the dead fetus she usually danced with to swat at the terodactyl.

"I'm outta here", said Macbeth. "I can kill Lady MacDuff without getting attacked by a prehistoric bird-like creature."

When Macbeth reached Lady MacDuff's room, however, he found she was already dead, as a fierce velociraptor stood knawing on her lifeless carcass, along with the lifeless carcasses of several white-masked "Sleep No More" audience members.

"He didn't even do that dance where he throws her into the crib", Macbeth thought. "This is all wrong. Stupid dinosaurs."

III.

In the Speakeasy, Dr. Ian Malcolm and Lady Macbeth had barricaded the door with several boxes from the box maze.

"If only they had listened to me", said Dr. Ian Malcolm. "This catastrophe would have been averted. Lady Macbeth, if we can make it up one flight of stairs to Manderlay we may have a chance of surviving this!"

Lady Macbeth, who at this point had lost her mind with guilt, kept kicking the walls, shouting "Yet, here's a spot!"

IV.

The Second Mrs. De Winter was doing a decent job outrunning the T-Rex when she rounded a stairwell corner and ran straight into Mrs. Danvers, who had been rolling on the bannisters.

Mrs. Danvers saw the approaching beast and, in one swift movement, ninja-kicked the ladder hanging over the stairwell so that it fell onto the great lizard. Mrs. Danvers then looked at the stunned dinosaur, then looked at the Second Mrs. De Winter, then looked back at the dinosaur.

She held one finger in the air as if to signal she had had an epiphany.

V.

Every time Hecate tried to shake her umbrellas to make the thunder come, the terodactyl would fly into her boudoir. She tried to pull out one of its hairs to cast a spell on it, but because it is a GIANT FLYING LIZARD it had no hairs in which to pull.

Around the time she was about to give up and spend the rest of the show in her locked room, Mrs. Danvers and the Second Mrs. Winter came running into her boudoir.

"Hecate!", shouted the Second Mrs. De Winter, "Mrs. Danvers has an idea, but she needs your Frusen Glädjé supply to make it work."

Hecate's eyes became tiny little slits as she spat out, "No. Fucking. Way."

Mrs. Danvers stone-cold karate kicked in the door to Hecate's locked room and ran in. "I don't know where she learned to do that either", said the Second Mrs. De Winter to a confused Hecate.

VI.

Malcolm and MacDuff hid under the banquet table.

"Is it safe?", asked a visibly frightened Malcolm to MacDuff.

"Not likely", whispered MacDuff. "One of those things killed your father after Lady Macbeth convinced it to, and most of the show patrons have either run away or been killed as well. When I get my hands on one of them I'm going to hang the shit out of it. Where's my noose at?"

VII.

The velociraptor, who was now the King of Scotland after killing Duncan, nuzzled his head into the comfortable pillows of Duncan's bed.

Macbeth emerged from under the bed and began to smother King Velociraptor, even as the velociraptor's talons tore at Macbeth's midsection.

Macbeth did not fear the dinosaur, because the witches had prophesized that no extinct prehistoric beast of woman born could harm Macbeth.

VIII.

Mrs. Danvers entered the Speakeasy Bar with the Second Mrs. De Winter and Hecate. She had armloads of Frusen Glädjé ice cream.

Dr. Ian Malcolm looked at Mrs. Danvers, then looked at the Frusen Glädjé. He understood what Mrs. Danvers (who doesn't talk in this story, even though all the other characters, who are also silent during the play, do) was planning to do.

"It's so crazy it just might work!", he said.

Mrs. Danvers began to cut up her crazy herbs and whatnot into the Frusen Glädjé, as Lady Macbeth, in the background, tore her own nightgown off, wailing about spots.

"Now we just need some bait to lure all the dinosaurs in here.", said Dr. Ian Malcolm. Everyone looked at Lady Macbeth, who doing a handstand and shouting "Spots on the floor, too!"

Dr. Malcolm, Hecate, Mrs. Danvers, and the Second Mrs. De Winter hid behind the boxes as the dinosaurs entered the Speakeasy Bar. The T-Rex was first. He sniffed the Frusen Glädjé, and began to eat. Hecate whimpered.

Soon, all the dinosaurs, had eaten the Frusen Glädjé laced with Mrs. Danvers herbs.

"Now", said Dr. Ian Malcolm, "we should see some results."

The dinosaurs howled with anger and began to attack the "Sleep No More" visitors with even more ferocity than before. Lady Macbeth was midway through her sleepwalking scene when a terodactyl flew off with her head.

"Wait...", said Dr. Ian Malcolm, "These dinosaurs are even more violent and crazed than before! Was that your plan all along?!?!"

Mrs. Danvers clasped her hands together.

"Excellent", she said, and danced off down the hallway.

IX.

MacDuff had a new idea to find out how to defeat the dinosaurs. He'd secured a Super NES system and the "Jurassic Park" game.

"Is that period appropriate?", asked Malcolm.

MacDuff ignored him, and plugged it in. Nothing happened. The Bald Witch entered.

"Here", said the Bald Witch, who took the game cartridge and blew into it. "That should do it."

MacDuff put that cartridge back in.

"Thanks, Bald Witch!" He began to play the game.

X.

"Well", said Malcolm in Manderlay some time later. "That game certainly showed you how to kill all the dinosaurs."

"If Bald Witch here hadn't blown on the cartridge, I never would have figured out how to get it going", MacDuff said, indicating the Bald Witch.

"You're too modest", Bald Witch said to MacDuff, "I may have gotten the cartridge working, but you're the one who did all the hard work of killing the dinosaurs."

A battered Dr. Ian Malcolm entered Manderlay. "We have to head back in before it's too late!", he screamed. "The taxidermist has more dinosaur eggs!"