Sunday, January 3, 2016
"Hi, can you believe how long it's been since we've talked! The holidays are almost done, and I think it's high time you treated YOURSELF for a change!!! Just try this amazing skin care product for a free trial and if you do not see AMAZING results in 2 days you can send it back for no purchase price whatsoever!!! Amazing, right?!? Will you commit to trying this? Please? FUCKING PLEASE? Screw your skincare to the sticking place. Regards, Lady M"
Lady Macbeth hit send. The first person to respond was Lady MacDuff.
"Hi Lady Macbeth!", Lady MacDuff wrote, "I'm not in the market for any new skincare products at the moment, but thank you so much for thinking of me! Happy holidays!"
Upon receiving the Facebook message, Macbeth entered the bedroom her shared with his wife. Lady Macbeth looked up at Macbeth and said, "I need you to kill Lady MacDuff for me."
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Subject: To whomever at my bloody ram's heart the week of Jan 13
Not cool. I didn't bring in the bloody ram's heart for you. It wasn't just a bloody ram's heart, it was MY bloody ram's heart. I don't care what your reasoning was; don't eat my food without asking or at least leaving a note of apology. We're all here for long hours, be an adult, plan ahead and when you forget and ruin your day by not packing food don't ruin someone else's day be eating theirs, especially when they have clearly hexed their name over the saran wrap that was covering it. Put five dollars and a vial of your salty tears in my mailbox if you have a conscience.
Friday, August 3, 2012
Every week Linda Holmes and her three panelists – Stephen Thompson, Trey Graham, and Glen Weldon – closed the show by telling the listeners what was making them happy this week. If Linda reached that segment without figuring something out she'd not only open herself up to the mocking of her showmates, she would have let down Pop Culture Happy Hour listeners the world over. "Maybe I can just say I caught a rerun of ‘The Sure Thing' on STARZ," she thought. But people would know. People would know.
Before she could begin her introduction, however, a woman burst into the recording studio shouting "TELEGRAM FOR STEPHEN THOMPSON!"
The woman with the telegram looked around the room. "Geez," she said, "I didn't know you guys were live on the radio. Sorry."
"We're not on the radio," said Glen Weldon, who writes about books and comic books for the NPR Website. "This is a podcast."
"What's a podcast?"
"It's like a radio show, only you download it off the Internet," said Glen, who was already trying to figure out how to compress the interaction with the telegram woman into 140 characters or less.
"Don't worry," esteemed producer Mike Katzif said. "I've paused recording."
The woman opened the telegram and read.
"Stephen Thompson, this is your long-lost great uncle Mordechai. I have passed from this mortal coil and I would like to bequeath to you my beloved stand-up arcade ‘Burger Time' machine."
"Holy hat!" yelled Stephen Thompson, who is an editor for NPR Music. "I love Burger Time almost as much as I love the Green Bay Packers and/or Clem Snide!"
The woman continued. "In order to claim this machine, you must spend the night in the McKittrick Hotel. Once you emerge in the morning, the arcade machine shall be yours! You must leave immediately!"
Stephen looked dejected. "I can't leave my post here at Pop Culture Happy Hour. Not so close to Appreciation Day!"
"Don't worry, Stephen," said Mike Katzif. "We can all go and record the show on remote. I can set that up easily."
"If you know anything at all about German art songs, then you know that we would all hate to be the reason you missed out on that Burger Time machine," said Trey Graham, who is an editor at NPR Movies.
Linda Holmes breathed a silent sigh of relief. This would provide ample time for her to figure out what was making her happy that week.
Meanwhile, in the McKittrick Hotel, Hecate gazed into her scrying pool then turned to her familiar, the Speakeasy Barman. "Alert the witches," she said. "They're coming."
Thursday, June 21, 2012
"Hey, Boy Witch," the Porter said. "Nice skateboard! But are you a poseur?"
"No way!", said the Boy Witch. "Check out this totally sweet kickflip!"
The Boy Witch did a totally sweet kickflip.
"Rad!", said the Porter.
"Gleaming the cube!", said the Boy Witch.
A black masked steward took the Boy Witch's skateboard, citing a "no skatboarding" rule inside the McKitttrick hotel.
"Skateboarding is not a crime!", yelled the Boy Witch.
"You should totally write an angry letter to 'Thrasher' magazine about this!"
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Macbeth was anxious.
Every time he upped his bid on the storage unit he heard Dave Hester's loud "Yuuuuuuuuuuup" behind him, indicating that Hester was driving the bidding even higher. He hadn't even wanted this unit, which seemed to contain several playing cards, a bunch of Virgin Mary statues that looked like their faces had been severely rubbed by a crazy woman, and the kingship to Scotland. Lady Macbeth had informed him that they absolutely had to win this storage unit auction.
"If we should fail?", Macbeth had asked.
But screw your courage to the sticking-place,
And we'll not fail. When Auctioneer Dan Dotson calls for a higher bid--
Whereto the rather shall his day's hard journey
Soundly increase your bid to him!"
"Do I hear five hundred dollars?", auctioneer Dan Dotson yelled.
Lady Macbeth kicked her husband. "FIVE HUNDRED!", shouted Macbeth.
"SIX HUNDRED!", interjected Barry Weiss.
And on it went.
In an interview earlier for the show, Dave Hester had announced that he had no interest in the storage unit, he just wanted the Macbeths to pay through the nose for it. Because he's a dick.
Finally, the Macbeths won the unit, though the bidding had gone up so high that Lady Macbeth had LOST HER MIND in the process.
Macbeth went to inspect his unit. He spied a hangman's noose. "What's this?", He wondered.
And then, just as things were getting interesting, the show cut to another goddamn commercial.