Friday, February 26, 2010

Crossover with Kelly Clarkson's "My Life Would Suck Without You"

Just listen.

Musical stylings by Mister Atlas America USA

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Crossover with

(click image to enlarge)

"Ever since we got this computer you've been wasting all your time on goddamn chatroulette", the male witch said to the bald witch. "I've been going out and killing deer and putting them in locked rooms, I've been getting Hecate her Frusen Glädjé and I've been menacing the Porter BY MYSELF. I do all the work around here and I'm getting sick of it. MacDuff had to do his big post-ballroom dance solo last weekend because you were on stupid chatroulette and didn't get upstairs in time."

"Leave me alone", said the bald witch. "I'm having fun. Look at all the random people I can mess with."

The bald witch cycled through several more users.

"Get your goat head", she told the male witch. "That'll really freak them out."

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Crossover with the 2008 Republican Primary Debates

ANDERSON COOPER: Welcome back to the 2008 Republican Presidential debates. I’m Anderson Cooper. We’re joined tonight by former governor of Massachusetts Mitt Romney, Senator John McCain of Arizona, former governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee, Congressman Ron Paul of Texas, and Thane of Cawdor Macbeth. The next question is for Governor Romney. Are the people better off after the last eight years under King Duncan?

MITT ROMNEY: Well, if you’re voting for King Duncan, you’d be very interested in knowing the answer to that. If you’re voting for Mitt Romney, you'd like to know, "Are you better off in Massachusetts after four years of my term in office?" And the answer would be decidedly yes.  As governor, I was spectacular. And handsome. My hair alone - it was amazing. Where there were budgets, I balanced them. Where there were shortfalls, I closed them. Everyone in Massachusetts got health insurance, a better job, and a free lunch.

ANDERSON COOPER: Senator McCain, same question.

JOHN MCCAIN: I think you could argue that overall the people are better off, because a lot of good things happened over those eight years. But let’s have some straight talk. People are also worse off. Some of the things that happened, they were bad.

ANDERSON COOPER: It sounds like you’re saying the people are not better off.

JOHN MCCAIN: I think the people are better off overall, but the people are uncertain about their future. What I’m trying to emphasize is that there are a lot of challenges facing the people right now. A lot of them. I think we need to give the people things like tax stimulus relief cut checks, for the uncertainty in the housing subprime economy market bubble. Ronald Reagan.

ANDERSON COOPER: Governor Huckabee, if you can, briefly. Are the people better off?

MIKE HUCKABEE: I don’t think we are. But look, we can’t blame any one person for this. This isn’t King Duncan’s fault. King Duncan, he’s a swell fellow. So we can’t blame him. Instead, we have to blame a lot of people. Specifically, Congress. Or Parliament, or whatever we’ve got. I can’t decide if this crossover is set in the United States or in Scotland. But whoever they are, they aren’t getting anything done. Me, I got a lot of things done. I reduced spending. I cut costs. I streamlined government. I opposed gay marriage. And I lost 110 pounds. 110 pounds, Anderson. 110 pounds.

ANDERSON COOPER: Congressman Paul, are we better off than eight years ago?

RON PAUL: No, we’re not better off. We’re worse off, and it’s partly the administration’s fault, and partly the congress’s fault, because we have this fiscal policy, and also this monetary policy, and also a foreign policy, and Great Birnam wood, which we’re bankrupting, and one trillion dollars, high Dunsinane Hill, and the middle class is on the ropes, and also the monetary policy. Beware MacDuff.

ANDERSON COOPER: And finally, Thane Macbeth.

Macbeth rises slowly out of his chair, his eyes wide with fear and fixed on Congressman Paul. Suddenly, the four Republicans throw off their disguises and reveal themselves to be the three witches and Hecate. Hecate lets out a long, wild laugh, rave music begins to play, the male witch strips naked and puts on the head of a goat, and the witches all begin to dance madly around Macbeth.

ANDERSON COOPER: We're going to pause for a quick commercial break. The debate continues when we return.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Crossover with the Coy and Vance episodes of "The Dukes of Hazzard"

Coy and Vance Duke didn't know what to make of the spooky school with the crazy Hitchcock music and all the dancing and the grunting.

After being wrongfully accused for a crime they had not committed, they had decided to hide out from Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane and Boss Hogg in an immersive theater production in Brookline, MA. Cooter, Daisy and Uncle Jesse were hiding out at "The Donkey Show", but that is a tale for a different hypothetical crossover fan fiction blog.

Coy decided to follow the Second Mrs. De Winter around, because she seemed the least scary of all the characters in the school, and Vance followed his cousin's lead.

The Second Mrs. De Winter was in a room resembling a hotel lobby, about to drink some tea. She lifted her tea cup and - on the saucer, previously hidden under the tea cup - was a key. The Second Mrs. De Winter took the key up to the second floor, and used it to unlock a door to a room filled with the belongings of the First Mrs. De Winter - Rebecca. Coy and Vance followed.

After an interaction with Banquo - he seemed distraught, possibly because Malcolm had not believed his Bill Murray anecdote - the Second Mrs. De Winter ushered everyone out of Rebecca's room except for one white masked audience member - Vance!

The Second Mrs. De Winter motioned for Vance to sit down on a footstool, and she carefully removed his mask. Her face had previously looked kind, but now it was filled with an ineffable sadness. She whispered in Vance's ear.

"I have to tell you, I was hoping for Bo or Luke."

"Yeah", said Vance. "I get that a lot."

Monday, February 22, 2010

Crossover with a possibly apocraphyal story about Bill Murray that a friend of a friend once told me

Banquo, MacDuff, and Malcolm entered the Speakeasy Bar. They sat around the tiny table next to the pool table and began to play a game of cards. A Peggy Lee song played on the jukebox. They began to discuss the Macbeth situation.

"Not in the legions of horrid hell can come a devil more damn'd in evils to top Macbeth!", MacDuff declared.

"You know", said Banquo, "This bar reminds me of the last time I was on my way to a bar. The strangest thing happened."

MacDuff ignored Banquo, and said "This avarice sticks deeper, grows with more pernicious root than summer-seeming lust, and it hath been the sword of our slain kings: yet do not fear; Scotland hath foisons to fill up your will. Of your mere own: all these are portable, with other graces weigh'd."

"Quiet, MacDuff", said Malcolm, "I wish to hear Banquo's story!"

Banquo began, "I was walking to a bar in New York... lower East Side. While I'm waiting to cross the street, I see waiting to cross on the other side is Bill Murray. The actor."

"I loves Stripes!", shouted Malcolm. "Groundhog Day, all that stuff!" Malcolm then grabbed the card he was playing, walked over to the wall, and - with a hammer - nailed the car to the wall of the Speakeasy Bar.

"Such welcome and unwelcome things at once. 'Tis hard to reconcile", said MacDuff.

"Anyway", continued Banquo, "Bill Murray catches me staring at him. He's looking straight at me, and I'm kind of embarrassed because I don't want to invade the guy's privacy. Next thing I know, Bill Murray is RUNNING across the street straight at me. And I'm just frozen in place."

By this time the Speakeasy Bartender was also listening. She poured more absinthe for Malcolm, MacDuff, and Banquo.

"Next thing I know, Bill Murray grabs me in a fucking HEADLOCK and gives me a NOOGIE! An honest-to-God noogie!"

"What happened then?", asked Malcolm.

"Then Bill Murray releases me from the headlock and whispers in my ear 'No one is ever going to believe you.' Then he just walked away."

"Well, I don't believe you", said Malcolm.

"Then Bill Murray wins", said Banquo.

Malcolm looked at his watch, "Look at the time. I gotta go grab somebody for a one on one."

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Crossover with This American Life

“I’m here today with a woman who … well, who told me a very disturbing story. About a ring. And a well. And a boy. See, the woman lost her ring down the well. And then, suddenly, there was this boy. And so she asked the boy, will you go into the well? Will you find my ring? The little boy says he will. And what happens next is … well, we’ll get to that later in the program.”

“But here’s what’s so amazing about this story: the boy, he wasn’t supposed to be in it. If you read the original story, there is no mention in it of a boy, no mention at all. No boy ... no well ... no ring. But he wanders into the story.... into this woman’s story. And there are consequences. For both of them. And they aren’t alone.”

“From WBEZ Chicago, it’s This American Life. I’m Ira Glass. Today on our program, we talk about people who’ve walked into other people’s stories … and what happens next. Our show today in three acts. Three acts. Act One, What’s In the Milk? Scottish royals encounter with an obsessed housekeeper. Act Two, Find My Ring, in which we continue the story from our introduction. Act Three, I Dreamt I Went to Manderlay Again. Through all the commotion, one woman searches, in vain, for her lost husband. Stay with us.”

“And by the way, if you’re listening to this broadcast … you’re probably a white collar professional with a good salary, enjoying our free podcast on your way to or from the office. So how about a fucking donation already?”

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Crossover with The Family Circus

“Once upon a time there was a poor little boy who had no father or mother. Everything was dead, and there was nobody left in the whole wide world. Everything was dead, and he went away and searched day and night. And because there was nobody left he thought he’d go up to heaven. And the moon looked at him so kindly! But when he reached it…he found it was a piece of rotten wood. And then he went to the sun…and found it was a withered sunflower…and he wanted to go back to earth, but the earth was an upturned pot. And he was all alone. And he sat down and cried, and he’s sitting there still, all alone”

Friday, February 19, 2010

Crossover with the cafe dancing scene from "Band of Outsiders"

Hecate laughed as the loud techno music kicked into high gear. The second consultation started.

Parenthetically, now's the time to describe their feelings.

The bald witch watches her feet

...but thinks of that dude she grabbed upstairs for the telephone room one-on-one and the strange way he read out lunch menus

The long-haired witch wonders if the boys notice her breasts moving as she dances

The goat head naked demon witch wonders how he's going to wash all the blood off

Macbeth thinks of everything and nothing

...uncertain if reality is becoming dream, or dream reality

Hecate's just chilling

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Crossover with the Davis Square Livejournal

"It's time I moved on", thought MadDuff. "I need to get out of Brookline. There's nothing but bad memories for me here. My wife and unborn child - murdered by Macbeth! Now that I've killed Macbeth and Malcolm has taken the throne, I need to get away from this creepy abandoned school in Brookline. Perhaps the environs of Davis Square would be a good place to make a fresh start."

So it came to be that MacDuff rented a one-bedroom apartment on Elm Street (the second floor of a three story multi-family), and grew to love his new neighborhood. His new digs even had a tall bookshelf he could dance on when he was bored.

While researching his new living area, he came upon a livejournal community dedicated solely to the goings-on of his adopted home: The Davis Square Livejournal.

"This is great!", thought MacDuff, "Now I can share stories and opinions with other people who live in the area!"

MacDuff created a livejournal account (MDuff1138), and set about to write his first post.

"Hi everybody! I'm new to the area, and was wondering if anyone could recommend a good place to get a burrito in Davis Square?"

First to respond was moderator Ron Newman.

"We have had many posts in the past on the topic of burritos. Please click on the 'burritos' tag and look through them. -- Your friendly moderator"

MacDuff was mortified. "I can't believe I made such a noob mistake!", he cried aloud.

Thankfully, he was not yet aware of the Davis Snark livejournal community, where mocking had already begun.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Crossover with Lunch Menu Man

Lunch Menu Man picked up the phone after it rang. "Hey, hello, hi, and howdy! David Price - the Lunch Menu Man - here... thanks for stoppin' by! Let's get right to the menu!"

"Today we have..... Rum Puuuuuuuuuuuuunch.... for two dollars."

On the other end of the line, the Porter was having none of it. "Never touch her again! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!? Never touch her again. I'll find you!", he told Lunch Menu Man.

Crossover with Survivor

It’s the steamiest season of Survivor EVER! Our contestants this season are the fractured, maddened sides of characters from Shakespeare’s Macbeth and Hitchcock’s Rebecca, plunged into the murky interior of an abandoned middle school!

TONIGHT! Fresh off his recent victory in the stairway battle, Banquo faces off with Mrs. Danvers in the dreaded DOOR DANCE! The winner gets a bowl of rice and immunity from next week’s challenge! Will Lady MacDuff’s wildcard swing the battle to either contestant?!

PLUS! MacDuff caught in the basement with one of the witches in what can only be described as “a compromising position!” What will Lady MacDuff think?! How will this affect their chances of surviving?!! And what is going on with all the headless baby dolls in the MacDuffs’ room?!!!

AND! After last week’s THRILLING episode, in which we saw Duncan eliminated, will the Macbeths be able to keep it together UNTIL THE FINAL ROUND?!

Tune in tonight when we kick things off, as usual, with a GIANT BANQUET featuring ALL THE CONTESTANTS and plenty of MAKING OUT! This is MUST SEE IMMERSIVE THEATER!!!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Crossover with Kafka's The Metamorphosis

As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in Duncan’s bed into a gigantic insect.

What has happened to me? he thought. It was no dream. The room, a sparsely-furnished but regal room -- Duncan was king of Scotland -- was filled to overflowing with people wearing white venetian masks. A full-length mirror stood off to one side, and in front of it a chair. Seated in the chair sat an elderly man, slightly rotund, wearing a pair of thick glasses, a green and red sweater covered in frolicking reindeers, and his white mask upon his balding head.

I wish that one would put his mask back on, thought Gregor. He is weirding me out. Why won’t he put his mask on like the others? It’s really taking me out of the moment. It’s making me even more uncomfortable than having been transformed into a gigantic insect, which is a very uncomfortable thing in its own right. Also, that sweater. What is with that sweater? Ugh, it makes me cringe.

He gave a little shudder.

Suddenly through the door crept Macbeth, skulking into the room in his white tanktop and black pajama pants. The sea of white masks parted as people fell into each other and stepped on each other in their rush to get out of his way. “Sorry,” they mumbled. The old man in the chair itched his balding head underneath the mask and adjusted his glasses.

Macbeth walked quickly to the side of the bed, his eyes fixed menacingly, balefully, on Gregor’s tiny insect head and domelike brown belly. Gregor, lying on his hard, armor-plated back, waved his little legs pitifully. Macbeth leapt up upon the bed in one swift motion, then slowly knelt down beside Gregor to take a pillow into his hands.

Oh no, thought Gregor.

Crossover with American Idol

"Let's break out the booze and have a ball
....If that's all there is..."

The male witch finished his song in the Replica Bar. Anxiously, he looked out to see what the reaction would be.

"That was a copycat karaoke performance!", Simon Cowell said. The audience booed under their white masks. "You may as well have been on a cruise ship!"

It was Paula Abdul's turn.*

"Although it's a level of difficulty, you made it sound so effortless with ease, and I am so glad that you showed a beautiful vulnerability..... and if you are great with your goat head mask on and leaving it off, that I, you know, there's something--first of all, one thing that I was kind of--I was kind of surprised you picked that song, but when--well, first of all, you're like this bright light in this competition. You--you've got a sensitive side to you, got a total spicy side to you, you are real, you've got to keep going. It's great. And you have this presence. You know, minus a couple of bum notes from everyone we've seen so far this season, you all are unique and different. And what I'm loving about this season, you're--you have such a great instrument. You're musical."

Everyone, including the male witch, looked confused.

"I gotta tell you, dude", said Randy Jackson, "That performance may have been a little pitchy, but I was totally getting a lap dance from this freaky chick here while you were singing it! You're going to Hollywood, DAWG!"

* I am aware that Paula Abdul is no longer with the show.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Crossover with George Orwell's 1984

The mask was removed from Winston Smith's face. Hecate brushed his cheek with salt water once, then twice. And then - no, it was not relief, only hope, a tiny fragment of hope. Too late, perhaps too late. But he had suddenly understood that in the whole world there was just one person to whom he could transfer the one on one - one body that he could thrust between himself and Hecate. And he was shouting frantically, over and over.

"Do it to Julia! Do it to Julia! Not me! Julia! I don't care what you do to her. Tear her face off, strip her to the bones. Not me! Julia! Not me!"

He was falling backwards, into enormous depths, away from Hecate. He was in the basement of the Old Lincoln School, but he had fallen through the floor, through the walls of the building, through the earth, through the oceans, through the atmosphere, into outer space, into the gulfs between the stars - always away, away, away from Hecate. He was light years distant, but Hecate was still standing at his side. There was still the cold touch of her hand against his cheek. But through the darkness that enveloped him he heard another metallic click, and knew that the door to her private room had clicked open.

"Does this mean you aren't going to find my ring?", Hecate finally asked. "Because that's doubleplusungood."

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Crossover with Encyclopedia Brown

"Don't you see, Sally?" Leroy "Encyclopedia" Brown declared in the basement detective office. Fans were causing bird feathers to fly everywhere.

"No I don't, Encyclopedia", Sally responded. "And why is the wallpaper in this room made entirely of envelopes?"

"Never mind that." Encyclopedia closed his eyes and concentrated, trying to block out the sounds of "Blue Moon" that were wafting through the soundsystem.

His eyes shot open. "Macbeth said he last spoke to Duncan on November 31st. However, there is no thirty-first day in November! He must be the killer!"

"Is that a live bird?", Sally asked, looking past Encyclopedia to the back of the room.

Crossover with the 1985 Chicago Bears

As the various characters danced around the ballroom, Macbeth looked down at them from a window in the floor above.

"This makes no sense", observed "Punky QB" Jim McMahon. "Some of these characters are dead, some of them aren't dead. Some of them are witches. What's the connection? Besides, this ghostly white mask combined with the dim lighting is playing hell on my awesome sunglasses."

William "Refrigerator" Perry thought about what his friend and quarterback had said. Then it hit him.

"They didn't come to cause any trouble, Jim. They just came to do the Sleep No More shuffle!"

Suddenly, wide receiver Willie Gault bounded into the ballroom.

"Guys! I just had the one on one with Hecate!"